Day 6, Week 5: Facetious injury recovery tips you probably shouldn't use.

Today's workout du jour was some Cathe, of course.  There was a lot of heavy weight lifting, barbell toting, random animals int the workout area, and animals messing up all my post-workout selfies.

TOTES BARBELL

Did a LOT of this.

Small dog be like "why hooman doing this stupid selfie thing?"

I was not thinking about stealing this dumbbell.  OK, yes I was.

But I had to be a little careful during the workout, and not because animals would randomly come and hang out around me while I had a heavy barbell over my head.  As I mentioned yesterday, my left glute has been giving me some issues lately--issues such as being a tight ball of hurt that makes coming down on my left leg feel like I'm running on a stump.

You know.  Just some small issues. 

So, in order to make sure I'm in tip-top shape for training and for my races, I plan on taking a few days off to let my glute heal and stop being so angry.

Ha!  Just kidding!  I plan on training right through it, like any sensible runner/duathlete would do.  But I do have some facetious tips for all those injured runners out there still training away:

• Take it easy (or easier) during your workouts.  Slow down, whether your biking, running, cross-country skiing, or underwater basket weaving.  You can also consider shortening your workouts as well so you're not aggravating your injury as much.  Or at least that's what you can tell yourself.
• Practice some self-care when you're not irritating your injury further by working out.  Massage the area (unless it's a stress-fracture...then I wouldn't advise touching it at all.  Or working out, really, but hey-you know your body), get on a foam roller.  What helps me is a little trigger point ball that works best for loosening up those tight muscles deep inside the glute.  You know, the ones even the massage therapist won't work on no matter how much you tip her.
• Ignore the pain and hope it magically disappears.  Because it's probably just a weak muscle that just needs more training, right?  Work that weak muscle into shape.
• Google the cause of your pain and then ignore all the advice they give you.  Because who wants to read "rest and take it easy" when you want to see "train through it you big baby?"

Seriously, if you're really injured, don't train through it.  Just take it easy and silently curse and shake your fist at all the runners you see on your commute to and from work.

And now silently curse and shake your fist at these stupid learnings:

• The trigger point ball was worth all 6 bucks I pad for it.  So much screaming glute relief.
• I should be in bed right now because I have a 35 mile bike ride tomorrow.  Looks like I'll be taking it easy at 6 AM because I'll be took freaking tired to push too hard.
• So many animals in my workout today.  I'm surprised there were no tragic accidents involving the barbell.
• "Train through it you big baby" is one of my favorite mantras.  Not the healthiest mantra, but definitely one of my faves.

Tomorrow's workout: I already told you - 35 mile bike ride with a 3 mile run off the bike.  Fabs.

Facetious cycling tips. Because why not.

Today I was doubly blessed with two workouts on the schedule - a weight workout and a cycling workout.

Well, that cycling workout wasn't a blessing--more on that in a sec.  But it was nice to lift some weights and throw that barbell around.

Barbells ALWAYS get a thumbs-up.

And, as usual, there were animals invading my workout on a regular basis.

Hyooman..heard you were being a wimp. As usual.

That was the easier workout of the two, even with animals darting around my legs while I was trying to do static lunges with 20 lb dumbells in each hand.  Why was the cycling workout harder?  I can sum it up in one word:

WIND. 

Freaking WIND I share my FIST at you.

All day I had been looking outside, working myself into a frenzy about the wind by looking at how much the trees were bending.  But because I have a duathlon in about 2 weeks, I knew I had to suck it up, buttercup, and do this ride.  So I bribed myself - I told myself I could ride into the wind as slow as I wanted...and hit up Dunkin Donuts afterward for a huge iced coffee.  I ended up biking slowly through the first nearly 8 miles straight into some gusty winds, which dragged my average speed down considerably.  But I'm not really caring at this point about the speed - the point was to get the ride done.  

And to help others get their ride on, below are some of my super-duper-special riding tips for you.  For whatever riding tips are worth coming from someone who still sometimes falls over when she stops because she forgets to unclip from the pedals.

Tip #1: Even though you have every intention of doing the ride in the early AM when the winds aren't as strong, always procrastinate so you go when the winds are stronger and then your ride is slower.  After all, riding into the wind builds character.  Or at least that's the lie the hubbs tells me every time I do this.

Tip #2: When you're riding in colder temperatures, ride a few rides with cold, numb feet before you remember to dig out those toe warmers you got in your stocking for xmas and actually, you know, use them.  Because cold frozen toes builds character too, apparently.

No frozen toes today, kids!

Tip #3: Never use earbuds while on a ride.  Instead, bring a little bluetooth speaker (pictured above) you can use to blast your music so you still can't hear any cars coming up behind you.  Safety first, kids.

Tip #4: When you come to a steep hill on your bike, don't drop down in gears--just pedal faster to get it over with.  Screw energy conservation for the rest of the ride; I need that hill to be OVER WITH NOW.

Tip #5: Always wear sunglasses while riding, even if it's not sunny.  This lesson was learned after several bugs-to-the-eyes last summer.  Gross.

Tip #6: Never ever attempt to take pictures of scenery whilst in motion on the bike.  I will die if I ever attempt this.  I don't know how all those cyclists I follow on Instagram do it and not die.

Tip #7: Always take post-ride selfies and allow your cat to photobomb them.  As if I could stop the cat from photobombing, anyway.  I'm too afraid they'll kill me in my sleep if I don't let them do whatever they want.

Hyooman. I "buh" this selfie.

Selfie SO BORING

Let's ride on into some learnings, kids:

• I do enjoy biking.  Except I would rather get a root canal that ride into the wind.  Ever.
• Those toe warmers were FANTASTIC.  And it was nice to be able to walk on warm toes after the ride.
• That tri suit is quite nice and comfy.  In case you were wondering.
• Mmmmm iced coffee.
• There's no stopping a cat in my house.  Not while they still have their front claws.

Tomorrow's workout: FARTLEKing.

Tempo Runs: Yet another unhelpful FAQ.

Last night the hubbs and I were actually awake and home at the same time, so I decided to actually converse with him rather than blog. However, please rest assured that some lifting of heavy things and a bike ride happened yesterday morning:

Some call this "blurry." I call it "artsy fartsy."

Those workouts were a nice recovery from the speed work the day before, and really helped me have a nice 8-mile tempo this morning.  How nice was it?  Well, there were lots of paces that included the number "8" at the beginning even though there should only have been 9s, there was no wind, the temps were in the upper 30s, and large dog kept pulling me into ditches for absolutely no reason.

Large dog be like "WE SAW SO MANY DITCHES
IT WAS AWESOME"

Well, large dog thought that last reason made this a good tempo.  I, however, can definitely do without a tour of the local ditches unless Mother Nature calls me into one...which only happens maybe once or three times during a run.  And that, kids, is why I always bring toilet paper with me on every run.

But I digress.  I want to address the questions I always get about tempo runs, not the questions I get about my toilet paper-carrying habits.  So get comfortable, kids - it's time for another one of my unhelpful FAQs, this time about tempo runs.


So, why exactly do you tempo?  Are you just a weirdo or what?

While I am most definitely a weirdo, I am not weird in respect to doing tempo runs.  Tempo runs work wonders in terms of endurance and speed, and the end result is that they help you run a certain pace for longer distances.  Well, if you actually do them during training they help you, that is.

Have you ever not done your tempo runs during training?

Absolutely.  And my race completely and totally sucked, resulting in a lot of desperate internal please to whatever deity may out there to help me make it to the finish line.  And depending on what mile you're at during your marathon, sometimes this results in a LOT of whining and begging to deities.

So how fast do you actually run a tempo run, anyway?

If you read anything about tempos on the internets, you'll see a lot of "comfortably hard" and "lactate threshold" and "so many minutes/seconds faster than your race pace" and whatever.  To avoid all this extra thinking about how fast to run my tempos, I pick a training plan that just freaking tells me how fast to run, and then I go outside and run WAY faster than that because I'm a moron.  For example, see exhibit A below of this morning's tempo, which should have been run at a 9:20 pace:

Let's see...where's those 9:20 paces....they must be hiding.

You didn't really run that fast.  Did large dog help pull you along?

Large dog only pulls at the beginning because he runs like every running rookie ever - goes out too fast and then fades at the end.  There are sections of our running route where he doesn't pull me at all, and in the last few miles he just kind of saunters next to me like "I'm tired...you're on your own now, woman."  The jerk.

Why does large dog pull you into ditches, anyway?

Who knows.  When he gets that look on his face like in the picture above, the only sound that's probably running through his head is the sound of a spring making a large cartoon BOING...and that noise is probably so loud it distracts him and throws him off course.

Or maybe he's just a jerk.

BOING

Do you have to tempo run outside, or can these tempo runs be done on a treadmill?

They absolutely can be done on a treadmill if you have enough mental treadmill fortitude.  I usually do not treadmill a tempo because I usually end up stopping way too often to do things I would never stop to do outside, such as: blow my nose, adjust the song on my headphones, and get off and do a wellness check on all the animals in the house for absolutely no reason other than I'm taking a break disguised as an animal wellness check.  This turns the tempo run into an interval run, but I just lie to myself and call it a tempo and move on to the next workout on the training plan.


Is there anything that helps motivate you to do your tempo runs when you're training for a marathon?

Yes, there are three main motivations I have for doing my tempo runs:

1) Not dying during my marathon and bugging deities with my pleas for survival, and
2) Getting to wear cool new shoes I do not need yet have still recently purchased, such as those below worn for this morning's tempo run:

I need all the luck I can get on a tempo.

3) Not looking like the human equivalent of this:

Hyooman.  I said no more fat shaming.

Summary of post learnings in progress below:

• Tempo runs.  Just do them.  They're good for you.
• Unless the large dog attached to you is yanking you into ditches.  Then they're only OK for you.
• I recommend the Brooks Launch 5s if you're a neutral runner.  And not just because mine have faux gold dust sprinkled along the bottoms.
• Every time large dog stops pulling I start running faster because I think I'm slowing down...and then end up running a fast mile.  You'd think I would have solved this problem by now.
• BOING.

Tomorrow's workout: A bike ride...I'm going to try and make it happen outdoors.

How to procrastinate before doing your run - a helpful guide

Work took over my computer last night (I was working on a presentation I was giving at another school district), so unfortunately there was no time for posting facetious garbage on the old blog here.  But not tonight--rest assured that I have plenty of time for facetiousness this evening.  And with that reassurance, let the post begin with how my day began this morning:

Thumbs up for BIKING AT 4:30 AM

I am totally digging my new exercise bike.  Although I've only done rides for 20 minutes or so on it,  that didn't stop me from getting saddle sore, if you catch my drift.  After spending my quality new exercise bike time this morning, I did some Cathe PHA Training and spent some quality time with my beloved heavy weights.

ZOMG is it 3 pounds or 30 pounds?!?  Stupid new math.

 But what about yesterday's workout?  Yesterday's choice of running torture was a 12 x 400m workout @7:30 pace, in the middle of which I lost count and had to stop the workout on my watch and count the little spikes on my pace graph to figure out where I was.  But actually getting on the treadmill and doing that workout was a challenge, especially since it was on a day off from work and my brain went into "LAZY" mode.  I procrastinated hard yesterday, getting dressed for the workout at 9:30 AM and not actually doing it until around noon(!).  So what did I do for all those hours I was dressed for a run but wasn't actually running?  My usual procrastination activities, of course.  They are listed below as a handy "how-to" guide in case you want to work on your workout procrastination as well.

How to Procrastinate Before Doing Your Run:

1) Mentally decide you will do you your run.  The sit in your recliner for a good 20 minutes.

2) Get up and get your running duds on, but do NOT put your running shoes on.  Instead, go for your flip-flops.

3) Put the treadmill down from its folded position so the animals can run all over it.  Go sit in the recliner for 10 more minutes.

4) Decide to have a cup of coffee because, you know, caffeine helps your running, after all.

5) Go online and buy another pair of running shoes while sipping that coffee even though you have two pretty new pairs sitting upstairs in your closet.

6) Look at the clock and realize it's almost lunchtime and decide to chow down before hitting that treadmill.

7) Now that you're full from lunch, you gotta let all the food digest...so you hang out in the recliner cruising aimlessly around the internet on your laptop for a good hour.

8) Look at the clock and realize you have an appointment in the early afternoon so holy crap you better get on the treadmill and get that run done.  Continue to sit for another 5 minutes.

9) Get up and put on your running shoes.  On your way back downstairs, play with the cats that hang out on the landing for at least 10 minutes.

10) Finally get on the treadmill when the hubbs wanders through the house, looks at you, and asks, "Haven't you gotten on the treadmill yet?!?"

Hubbs shaming me gets me to doing my run every time.


Look out--learnings!

• I know you all covet that DVD/VHS combo player in the first picture.  I can feel it.
• My current obsession is listening to scary story podcasts, so you can bet your sweet patootie I was listening to them while I was on the bike this morning working on my saddle soreness.
• It's amazing to me how I can be on the 'mill at 4:30 AM every work day but on every day off  it's all procrastinate, procrastinate, procrastinate.  I am a moron.
• You know what comes after hubbs shaming me onto the treadmill? Him asking me every 5 minutes if I'm almost done because he's worried I'm going to make him late for our afternoon appointment.

Tomorrow's workout:  Tempo!  3 miles super fast!  Hopefully outside!

Why did I tempo this morning? Why not?

If you're one of the two or three people that read the facetious garbage I write here every day, you know that I'm not a fan of tempos.  And today was no different - I didn't want to do my regularly scheduled tempo run today, either, especially in the snow and the freezing rain that hit in the last mile.  But I did it anyway, and I did it with large dog since it was nice enough to take him.

What large dog? THAT large dog.

So why oh why did I do my tempo run this morning?  Let the enumeration of reasons begin:

1. Large dog needed a run.  There is an inverse relationship between the amount of running large dog does and the amount of time the male cat's head gets eaten by the very same large dog, and the cat was getting a little twitchy.

Post-run DERP

2. My brain would not allow me to tempo on the treadmill for 2 weeks in a row.  When I even the began the thought, "Maybe I should treadmill this run" my brain vetoed it with a loud NOPE.  It eventually devolved into my brain doing that "la la la la I CAN'T HEAR YOU" thing and I was forced to go and get dressed for an outdoor run.

3. Tempos are good for you.  Tempos are one of those lovingly hated workouts that, you know, help make you faster and build your endurance....two things you kind of need if you're going to run long distances.  

4. I promised myself to do all my tempos and run them outside.  And if I don't keep promises to myself, then who CAN I trust???

5. I like to run in the snow and the cold and come back with my GPS watch crusted with ice.  Not really.  But, as the hubbs says, "SUCK IT UP IT'S GOOD TRAINING"

6. I got to wear my favorite winter running mittens evah.  You know the ones--the ones with the mesh so your hands can be cool AND warm at the very same time.  It's like freaking magic, only it's really thermodynamics.

Small dog is not impressed.

7. I told myself I could run 10 seconds over my target pace (8:44) because I had yet again spent the night coughing and hacking and wheezing.  As you can see, I was my usual idiot self and ran too freaking fast.

8. Running outside was the only way I could escape the hubbs' snoring.

9. Why tempo?  Why not?

Is there anything to learn from this post?  Yes, there is:

• Tempos.  Suck 'em up, buttercup.  Even through freezing rain.
• I think we bought the cats a few hours of freedom today.  Male cat seemed less covered in dog slobber when I got home.
• Speaking of thermodynamics, one of these days I should do a running-and-science-related post.  Facetiously, of course.
• What I should do on tempo days is tell myself my target pace is 15 seconds slower than it really is so that way when I run it too fast then I'm right on pace.  GENIUS.
• Think I'm exaggerating about the hubbs' snoring?  Think again.

Tomorrow's workout:  Going to do Cathe's Pull Day workout so it matches my Push Day one from Tuesday.

Day 3, Week 8: More facetious garbage masquerading as running tips

I did NOT want to do my speed workout this morning.  Well, let me clarify that statement a bit-I wanted to do speed work; I just didn't want to do the workout on the training plan: a 4 x 1200m workout.  My legs felt sufficiently recovered from the long run on Sunday, but I just didn't want to run for 3 little circles on the display four times really really fast.  I would have gladly done twenty-five 400s instead of those four long-ish repeats.  But the cat wouldn't let me out of those 1200s.

Hyooman.  Get out of my office and onto the thing
where you run to nowhere.

So I did the workout, and I have to say it wasn't the best 1200m repeat workout I've ever done.  I had a splitting headache for some reason and just wasn't feeling it.  And by "not feeling it" I mean "kinda phoning it in."  It all began with me taking 25 full minutes of manufactured slowness to get into my treadmill duds, turn on the treadmill, get my headphones on, and turn on the treadmill. Then I kept having to stop during repeats to do various things way more important than running the repeat, such as blow my nose, pick up a foam roller that fell off a shelf in another room, tell the hubbs several times he needed to get up, and change the track on my headset when I could have easily done it while still running by actually touching the phone literally right in front of me.

Intensely pathetic, I know.  I even left evidence of this patheticness on my Garmin.

Now, that doesn't look *too* pathetic until you look at this:

See all those little downward spikes?  There's evidence of my phoning-it-in-ness.  But I can still take comfort in the fact that I did actually do the first repeat without stopping.  I guess.  And the speed work was sufficient as to call the animals to me after it was all over.

What can I say--if you sweat it, they will come.

So, as you can see, I went through the motions this morning.  But what about those of you that don't want to go through the motions on those days when the run you should get done isn't exactly tickling your running fancy?  What should you do?  Well, here are some things I've tried in the past:

1) Shorten the workout.  Chop off some miles or repeats if you feel the need.  For example, I could have done only 2 or three repeats this morning instead of all four.  But I know that during my marathon I would have irrationally blamed any suffering I would have experienced on not doing those last two repeats and then sat down in defeat at mile 15 or something.  So this doesn't usually work for me.

2) Lengthen the recoveries (if your workout has recovery intervals). Extend your recoveries by a little bit to give yourself a little mental boost by thinking things like "I got an extra 30 seconds of walking NOW I CAN TAKE ON THAT NEXT MILE REPEAT MUHAHAHA!"  This doesn't work for me, however, because all I think is "GAWD I can't believe those 30 seconds are up already and I have to, like, RUN now."

3) Insert recovery intervals/walk breaks.  Have to run a bajillion miles and not want to shorten the run?  Insert some short walk breaks in each mile.  If I choose to do this, I usually do 4 minutes of running an 1 minute of walking.  Unless the marathon has broken me and then I end up sobbing while walking for 4 minutes and shuffle-running for one minute.

4) Tell yourself you'll do the workout later.  Do this only if you'll, like, actually do it later.  I used to do this all the time until my brain finally realized it was always a big fat lie and that was just my way of saying "I just want to sleep in and drink coffee before getting ready for work."  And then when I got home from work I'd get into running clothes and fall asleep in the recliner. 

5) Do the workout you want to do.  Screw the training plan--sometimes you just gotta do your own running thing, amirite?


And now it is time to summarize the learning from this post:

• The cats pretty much run the place.  They let the dogs think they're in charge.
• I'm awesome at phoning in a run.  No one does it better.
• After the cool down on the treadmill I spend the next 5 minutes trying to get animals off the treadmill and away from my sweat.
• Those tips for getting your workout done started out halfway serious but they devolved in facetious garbage rather quickly.  You're welcome.

Tomorrow's workout:  It's all cold and stuff outside now so weights it is tomorrow.