Facetious cycling tips. Because why not.

Today I was doubly blessed with two workouts on the schedule - a weight workout and a cycling workout.

Well, that cycling workout wasn't a blessing--more on that in a sec.  But it was nice to lift some weights and throw that barbell around.

Barbells ALWAYS get a thumbs-up.

And, as usual, there were animals invading my workout on a regular basis.

Hyooman..heard you were being a wimp. As usual.

That was the easier workout of the two, even with animals darting around my legs while I was trying to do static lunges with 20 lb dumbells in each hand.  Why was the cycling workout harder?  I can sum it up in one word:

WIND. 

Freaking WIND I share my FIST at you.

All day I had been looking outside, working myself into a frenzy about the wind by looking at how much the trees were bending.  But because I have a duathlon in about 2 weeks, I knew I had to suck it up, buttercup, and do this ride.  So I bribed myself - I told myself I could ride into the wind as slow as I wanted...and hit up Dunkin Donuts afterward for a huge iced coffee.  I ended up biking slowly through the first nearly 8 miles straight into some gusty winds, which dragged my average speed down considerably.  But I'm not really caring at this point about the speed - the point was to get the ride done.  

And to help others get their ride on, below are some of my super-duper-special riding tips for you.  For whatever riding tips are worth coming from someone who still sometimes falls over when she stops because she forgets to unclip from the pedals.

Tip #1: Even though you have every intention of doing the ride in the early AM when the winds aren't as strong, always procrastinate so you go when the winds are stronger and then your ride is slower.  After all, riding into the wind builds character.  Or at least that's the lie the hubbs tells me every time I do this.

Tip #2: When you're riding in colder temperatures, ride a few rides with cold, numb feet before you remember to dig out those toe warmers you got in your stocking for xmas and actually, you know, use them.  Because cold frozen toes builds character too, apparently.

No frozen toes today, kids!

Tip #3: Never use earbuds while on a ride.  Instead, bring a little bluetooth speaker (pictured above) you can use to blast your music so you still can't hear any cars coming up behind you.  Safety first, kids.

Tip #4: When you come to a steep hill on your bike, don't drop down in gears--just pedal faster to get it over with.  Screw energy conservation for the rest of the ride; I need that hill to be OVER WITH NOW.

Tip #5: Always wear sunglasses while riding, even if it's not sunny.  This lesson was learned after several bugs-to-the-eyes last summer.  Gross.

Tip #6: Never ever attempt to take pictures of scenery whilst in motion on the bike.  I will die if I ever attempt this.  I don't know how all those cyclists I follow on Instagram do it and not die.

Tip #7: Always take post-ride selfies and allow your cat to photobomb them.  As if I could stop the cat from photobombing, anyway.  I'm too afraid they'll kill me in my sleep if I don't let them do whatever they want.

Hyooman. I "buh" this selfie.

Selfie SO BORING

Let's ride on into some learnings, kids:

• I do enjoy biking.  Except I would rather get a root canal that ride into the wind.  Ever.
• Those toe warmers were FANTASTIC.  And it was nice to be able to walk on warm toes after the ride.
• That tri suit is quite nice and comfy.  In case you were wondering.
• Mmmmm iced coffee.
• There's no stopping a cat in my house.  Not while they still have their front claws.

Tomorrow's workout: FARTLEKing.