This post brought to you by the letter C.

Kids, today's post is brought to you by the letter "C."  That's "C" for....


...CRAZY TONGUE

The tongue is in control now.

...COMPLETED!

...Can't ever run the pace I'm supposed to run...

Nope.

...C'MON LAZY DOG

...and CATS DON'T CARE ABOUT RUNNING.

So much not caring here.

Can we get to the learnings now?  Yes, we can:

• Crazy as it sounds, large dog and I were out and about on our run at 4:20 AM this morning.
• Can large dog get any lazier after just a 5 mile run?  Yep.  He can.

• Can you also believe that for once I'm not falling asleep while writing a post?
• Coffee.  That's why I'm not falling asleep.
• Close-ups of that dog tongue probably shouldn't be a regular thing on this blog...unless I have nothing else to post.
• Crafting all these learnings to begin with the letter C was harder than I thought it would be.  I totally admit I googled "c" words.

Tomorrow's workout: Cycling!

I have issues. Especially with running clothing.

Yesterday morning I planned to go biking....and I actually did.

Getting faster, little by little. And getting a little bit smarter by cycling that early in the morning when the wind isn't so bad.  This was also the first ride so far this season where my toes didn't turn into small flesh-colored blocks of ice by the end of the ride.  So while getting the ride done was cause enough for celebration, the fact that I didn't have to blast my toes with hot water in the shower to save them was yet another reason.

YES NO POTENTIAL FROSTBITE

And another cause for celebration-absolutely perfect running weather this morning for my threshold workout (2x2000m @9:01 pace).  Cool temps, no wind, and a happy large dog at the end of it all.

ZOMG ZOMG running ZOMG ZOMG

But you know what doesn't have me jumping for joy?  Running clothing.  I have issues concerning life in general, but I really have issues with running clothing.  And because you know I love to overshare, these issues are listed for you below:

Issue #1: Pockets.  I need them all the time on everything.

I began to wear running skirts a while back because the kind I usually buy have HUGE pockets on the running shorts underneath to stash all my important running stuff like gels and toilet paper in plastic bags.  At the time, these skirts were pretty much the ONLY things made for women that had decent pockets...but when you looked at the men's clothing, there were just pockets all over their running gear.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I saw a men's running jacket once that was made from nothing but pockets whereas the women's equivalent jacket from the same manufacturer had one teeny tiny pocket jammed up in the armpit.  Or maybe it was the right shoulder.  OK, I don't remember exactly where it was, but I'm pretty sure it was somewhere where you couldn't easily reach it unless your arms were freakishly long.

Anyway, I think you get the idea that I think pretty much every piece of running clothing should be made with huge-ass pockets.  It's just better.

Issue #2: Stitches on your tights shouldn't unravel and pop just because you're putting them on.  No, I'm not too fat for them, either.

You know what's fun?  Pulling on an awesome pair of purple running capris (that have pockets!!) for the first time and then hearing the loud POP of stitches loosening themselves....and then seeing that there is now a small hole in the front and center of your awesome purple capris.  Showing off your underwear.  Providing a teeny tiny amount of natural a/c to that part of your body. And making you mad as hell because those capris cost $65.

That's not really fun, by the way.  Not at all.

Issue #3: Running tights/capris/shorts that like to travel southward when you're moving forward.

I've covered this issue before...sagging running bottoms are a complete deal-breaker for me.  There's nothing quite like that feeling of borderline insanity you feel when you're 5 miles out on a 10 mile run and realizing you're going to be pulling up those tights for the last 5 miles every 2 minutes or so. It's enough to make you just want to run in your underwear the rest of the way home but you're too afraid of getting arrested for indecency and that can't happen because, after all, you work in education and how would that look?!?  (Answer: Not good.)

Issue #4: Running belts that like to travel northward when you're moving forward.

Any running belt that tries to transform into a bra while I'm running is getting thrown in the trash as soon as I get back to the house.  Or thrown in a corn field if I get really sick of it before I get home.

Issue #5: Running shirts that stick to you after you start sweating in them.

I mean, really....did the maker of said sticky running shirt not know that someone would, perhaps, be SWEATING in that shirt?  And that after sweating has occurred that it would stick to the person in the shirt like the loose moist skin of a frog?  And that this feeling will slowly degrade that person's sanity when having to put up with that fake frog-skin feeling for, say....26.2 miles?

Maybe they didn't.  I'll give them the benefit of the doubt that maybe they thought they were making something other than running clothing.  This time.

Issue #6: Boring running clothing.

Seriously--life is too short to wear boring clothing.

Or pose normally for running pictures.  

No more ranting; just learnings:

• Who's happy she dropped from that half duathlon to the Olympic distance?  Hint: It's me.
• Unless you're one of those runner girls that wears nothing but little racing underwear and a sports bra when running, we runner girls NEED out pockets.  Or this runner girl does, anyway.
• I think it's pretty obvious from that picture that running is like heroin for large dog.
• If it's running clothing and has huge pockets, I buy it.  There's a little piece of info for you, running clothing makers.
• I also buy it if it is obnoxiously patterned and colored.  Are you listening, running clothing makers?  That's how to take my money.
• I'm really, really tired, so I'm ending this post now.

Tomorrow's workout: Easy 5 miler!  At 4 AM!

Just so much random facetious stuff today.

My yesterday got crazy busy because I had a Mother's day shindig to go to in the middle of the day--so crazy busy that I was cleaning my house at 10 PM on a Sunday night.  So that's why there was no factious garbage for you yesterday - but today, this post is full of it.  So full, in fact, let's just get down to it all:

I did squats yesterday for the first time in over a month and it's been really fun trying to sit down today.

Super serious, even.

Yesterday morning I was all LOAD UP THAT BARBELL and today I was all AIEEEE trying to sit in my office chair at work. So, of course, I spent most of the day standing, in fear of my own glutes.


During yet another slow bike ride, I realized that doing a duathlon in 2 weeks that involves a 56 mile bike ride is stupid.

Like, really stupid.  Especially since I'm still super slow on the bike and I can really only hand around 25 miles at once right now without throwing the bike in a ditch out of sheer frustration.  And then ugly crying because I just hurt my old but really expensive bike.

So that's why I decided to drop down from the half duathlon (10K/56 mi/10K) to the Olympic distance duathlon (5K/26 mi/10K) and use that as a baseline race for the half duathlon I have later in September.  This decision made me happy, especially since they didn't charge me an extra fee to change races.  In fact, in made me happier than my outrageously colorful bike jersey made me.

There is no unhappy in this jersey.  Unless I'm riding into the
wind  and uphill.

Speaking of happy, guess who lost 5 pounds?!?

OK, I won't make you guess--it was me.  Turns out not eating processed carbs does help you drop the poundage.  I decided I'm only weighing myself once a week, so I'll check in then.  Or whenever else I feel like it.


But my glutes were most definitely not happy after I made them participate in speed work this morning.

Buh.  The first half mile of the warm-up felt like my muscles didn't quite remember how to run.  But they did eventually remember, and I busted out twelve 200m repeats at a 7:30 pace.  Not the toughest workout I've ever done, but definitely not easy like the Runner's World app said it was.

Easy my sweet patootie.

Easy?!?  Does this look "easy" to you?

Well, it might look easy if you're even a slightly better runner than me.  But Runner's World App...cut me a little slack here, eh?  Easy.  Pffffft.

Sometimes that Runner's World App goes a little nutty syncing to my Garmin.

Complete craziness people.

Almost 38 miles in one day? Now, all I did that day was a bike ride and some strength training - I didn't run an ultra for crying out loud.  This is something that could mayyyybeee be improved in this app.

And what the heck is up with see-through workout clothing?!? 

I mean, really.

Now, this isn't as see-through as other items I have seen (through).  But if I wanted people to experience the gloriousness that is my incredibly white hasn't-seen-the-sun-since-1992 mid-section and all of my lovely fat rolls, then I would just freaking run WITHOUT A SHIRT ON. (But I'm still not brave enough to join the #SportsBraSquad.)

And don't even get me started on all that organza-like mesh in running tights that's been showing up lately.

I just don't get it.  I guess I think too functionally and not at all like a chick. It's my cross to bear.


And your cross to bear right now, my friends, are these learnings:

• Expect more of a rant about running clothing soon.  I have some pet peeves that have been building for almost 8 years.
• Garmin syncing issues with the Runner's World app (along with see-through running clothing) must end.  Immediately.
• This cat could care less about my sore glute situation.

• I keep mis-typing "duathlon" as "duathlong" and I crack up every. single. time.

Tomorrow's workout:  Strength and cycling.  Let's hope it stops thunderstorming so I can get my cyling on outside.

I ran 6 miles but who cares - my new shorts are awesome.

You all know that large dog and I do a lot of running together.  In case you've never met him, here he is in post-run-blissed-out mode:

ZOMG ZOMG I WENT RUNNING

Today the training schedule said to run between 5 and 6 miles at around a 10:02.  So of course we did a 9:18 average pace because I'm a moron.

But none of that matters because I got a new pair of sweet, sweet running shorts in the mail today that are freaking awesome in their sheer colorful awesomeness.

Awe.  Sum.

You may have to take in all that awesomeness a little bit at a time.  To ease off on the awesomeness, here's another picture of post-run large dog for you.

It's not love.  It's just sweat he's after.

You can come down from all that shorts awesomeness with some of these learnings:

• Large dog keeps stopping to take breaks now during the runs.  He's getting a little lazy.
• Although I am impressed with us busting out a 9:18 in those freaking strong winds we had today.
• Everyone should be impressed with those shorts.  Go buy a pair or several.  
• I really wanted to write a dumb post with tons of facetious garbage about running with my dog, but it just wasn't happening.  Maybe tomorrow.

Tomorrow's workout: Some weights and some cycling.  I know you can't wait to hear about it.  Yep.

Resolutely keeping my eating resolutions.

A bike ride was on the schedule for this morning, but of course there were 18 mph winds at 4 AM so it was onto the spin bike with me.

It's just too bad the outside world didn't get to
see that head scarfy thing.

I managed 18 miles on the bike at speeds I have never seen on an outdoor bike, so I automatically assume the bike is lying to me.  It's essential in fitness that you develop a distrust of your home exercise equipment, I've found.  And by "essential" I mean "not really."

LIES.  Maybe.

I accomplished this distance and those speeds while being surrounded by lazy animals, including a human one sleeping in a recliner.

Supervising my sweet patootie.

Sorry you had to see our crazy curtain setup there so we can actually, like, feel the AC when it's on.  But, as you could probably tell, I'm not really the Little Suzy Homemaker type...I'm more of the "What? Curtains? I should have some? OK I'll go to the discount store and buy whatever I find first and throw 'em up there and move on with more important things like indoor cycling" type.  You know...like most people are.

And, like most people, I'm still concerned with all the excess fat I have on my body.  If you remember, after the Glass City Marathon I made two resolutions concerning said excess fat.  These two resolutions were to (1) cut out processed/refined carbs, and (2) eat veggies that weren't carrot sticks.  I am happy to report that I have been resolute in keeping both resolutions...however, if you're considering cutting down on your refined carbs, here are some things about which you need to be aware:

• You're going to have to meal prep.  I don't know if you were aware of this, but most pre-packaged "food" tastes FANTASTIC but is stuffed full of refined carbs and other junk.  So in order to eat real food, you'll have to prepare it yourself to make sure there aren't any added sugars and then portion it out for yourself all week.  Since I don't mind cooking when I get home from work, I have to meal prep for lunch every day.  While it is some work, you also don't have to prepare super-complicated food.  For example, I took the low road and just made a buttload of egg salad for the entire week to have with some of the bagged pre-mixed salad.  What can I say--I take meal prepping to an all new low.
• It's going to take you to a level of exhaustion that you never thought possible.  All week I have been struggling to stay awake from around 11 AM onward.  And I mean STRUGGLING. Like "standing up at my desk to work and even then I was falling asleep" struggling.  Today was the only day I felt relatively normal after that time, with only a slight dip at around 2 PM.  Holy withdrawal, batman.
• You'll revisit some foods you used to love but were just too lazy to make.  Hello again, egg salad.  And you too, chicken sausage.  Mmmm.
• You'll finally use that hard boiled egg maker thing that your sister gave you.  Holy cow-everyone needs of these things.  Except those who can make boiled eggs on the stove.
• You'll feel more like you're eating to fuel your body rather than to make yourself feel good.  I am a stress eater.  I freely admit to eating to self-medicate because, you know, it's like getting a high off crappy food and it feels so good when you really feel so bad.  But with all the prepping and the planning and intentionally NOT eating that crappy food, your mindset starts shifting and you kind of begin to think about stupid things like "nutrition" instead of "what tastes good and will make me feel better."
• You stop making excuses to eat crappy food.  Instead of making up an excuse to eat nutritionally void food (I had a bad day at work, I ran 13 miles today so I deserve this, OMG that tastes good I MUST HAVE IT), I just say, "I don't eat that junk."  It's been working for me.
• You realize that there is such a thing as "eating too many eggs in one day."  Yep.

The one thing I didn't address in that beautifully bulleted list above is this:  Have I lost any weight?  Well, I have lost about 1.5 pounds, but my next weigh-in is tomorrow so that number could change (for better or for worse).  Stay tuned kids - I'll give an update on that tomorrow.

Until then, you'll just have to settle for these meager learnings:

• I do have an inherent distrust of fitness equipment displays.  I've been lied to one too many times.
• You cannot deny the awesomeness of my head scarfy thing.
• It's hard to justify the cost of curtains when your house is surrounded by corn fields.  Just saying.
• You know how many eggs is too many in a day?  5.  That's how many.
• So how come my leg looks perfectly fine in that pic above with all the lazy animals but it looks like a size 22 whenever I get a race photo?  I bet the answer to that question is physics.  And bad photography.

Tomorrow's workout: A "long" run of 6 miles.  Buh.

Flying Pig Marathon Weekend 2018: Sometimes the best you can do is your worst.

Cincinnati, Ohio and the Flying Pig Marathon Weekend--one of my favorites.  Why?  Because blingity-bling-bling-bling, my friends.

Blinging right at you.  Look out.

Three days, five races.  This weekend has a race for everyone - young and old, husband and wives, slow runners and fast runners, distance runners and sprinters, dogs and...well, nothing for cats.  But the hubbs and the dogs came along so they could get in on the running action, which made the trip WAY more fun because I had someone else in the car to listen to all my inane driving thoughts ("you know what all long car rides need?  cheez whiz.  that's what" and "why don't dog faces get fat when the rest of their body does?!?").

Shut-up and drive, woman.

Let's break down the weekend by each of the five races, shall we?  We shall, because that's what i decided to do.

Race #1: Little Kings Mile - Friday, 8 PM

This race is, obviously, just a mile long, and is part of a larger race series that is sponsored by beer.  And lots of it.  The mile was flat, I ran it way too fast (8:00/mile) and the beer copious at the finish line, but I was in no mood for beer because a) beer is not my idea of a post-run recovery drink, and b) I had just gotten into town 3 hours before the race, so I needed to go make sure that the hubbs hadn't been overtaken by the dogs in the hotel room (this is the first really long-distance trip they've ever been on).  Even though I had to skeedaddle right afterwards, I was happy I got a medal at the end and thought the race was a nice change from always running longer distances.


Race #2: Flying Pig 10K - Saturday, 8 AM

This is a nice little 10K that has you cross the Ohio River into Kentucky and back over some serious, serious bridges at the start, and then takes you through downtown Cincinnati, starting and ending at Paul Brown Stadium.  So it's all like, "hey here's some fake bridge hills before we give you the real hills in Cincy" because, you know, this race is nice like that.

mmmm bridges. 

At least they slap you with some nice bling after all that.

Bling and a distant banana.

Race #3: Flying Pig 5k - Saturday, 10 AM

So you'd think that the 10k race right before this one would be hillier because, you know, it's like, longer.  But the 5k had some sweet, sweet hills, especially one where you came around a corner and basically piled into everyone walking up a nice steep hill except you, because you're the only moron out there on the course trying to run up the damn thing.  But I was not the only runner to stop and grab a selfie with this Flying Pig celebrity.

He's way better at selfies than my dog.

Race #4: Flying Fur Run - Saturday, 1:30 PM

It had sprinkled on me during the 5K race, but by 1:30 PM that day it was what you could consider to be "raining." Which is not that great when you have a 2-mile race with both of your furry and hairy dogs, especially when their fur magnifies wet dog smell thousandsfold.  But I am extremely happy they even offer this type of race, because then the dogs could stop scaring the housekeeper at the hotel and get outside for once.   They also got to see Brown Stadium, the baseball stadium where the Reds play, and the hubbs in this running outfit he picked out and purchased all by himself.

Hey guys c'mon c'mon we're RUNNING

Slackers.

They be like WE GOT MEDALS WE WON, RIGHT?

And we're walking in the rain because....?

I didn't think little dog would make it past the first mile, but then I completely shamed him when an itty bitty Corgi surged past us and got him to finish.  Who says parenting is hard?!? 

Race #5: Flying Pig Marathon - Sunday, 6:30 freaking AM

I never planned on racing this marathon because of those nasty early miles climbing up the side of a river valley plus all the little rollers you see on the back half.  I just love the vibe of this race, and the fact that it's pretty much a 26.2 mile party with its fun aide stations, beautiful scenery, bacon station around mile 16, and cheery volunteers everywhere. I only wanted to run a 4:40 and have a great time. 

But I also never planned to take a tour of 8 port-a-johns during the race and chafe really badly by mile 9 in an unmentionable place.  After the 7th inspection of the inside of a portable toilet, I decided to revise my goal from a 4:40 to this:  See if I could get my slowest marathon time ever.

Mission accomplished, to borrow a phrase.  5:05, baby.  You know what really helps you do that?  Stopping all the time to take pictures, that's what. 

Wait...where?

Out of my way I'M MARATHONING

My face says it all.

Oooooh water

ZOMG MORE WATER

Still bringing in the ladies.

By the way, this was my 30th marathon.  Glad I have a PW to remember it by.


All in all, this was still a fantastic weekend.  Lots of races, lots of fun, lots of cute pocket shorts, and lots of port-a-johns.  What's not to love?

Let's love some learnings now:

• The Flying Fur run gives the humans medals but the dogs little dog tag medals, which is so super mega cool.
• I was proud of hubbs putting up with me for an entire weekend of races when he just came down for 2 of the total mileage.
• Hubbs and I have now perfected our "SHHHHH"es that we give the dogs in hotel rooms.  If you need that done for you, give us a call.
• Sometimes, with marathons, you just have races where the best you can do is your worst.

Tomorrow's workout: Cycling!  Probably indoors!  Suck!

That feeing when...

That feeling when....

...work has been so crazy this week you are still working on the blog post about the 5 races you did in 3 days this past weekend but you can't stop thinking about those awesome running shorts you wore for the marathon that had the huge pockets and bright colors for days:

Shorts SO AWESOME

...your legs are still feeling those crazy long bridges from two of those races:

Bridge: Officially crazy.

...you lifted weights for this first time in about a month and it was pretty much an animal free-for-all:

...when you have every intention of running the 5 easy miles on your Runner's World plan outside this morning but a nice flash of lightning minutes after you get out of bed forces you to the treadmill and yet another throng of animals:

My treadmill calls all the animals to my legs.

...when you're falling asleep posting stupid pictures and sentences on your blog and you realize it's time to freaking go to bed.  

Sleep.  Buh.

Before sleep gets me here are some learnings:

• I have cut out a lot of processed carbs from my diet and I'm blaming my pseudo-narcalepsy squarely on that.  
• There will be a blog post about my Flying Pig Marathon weekend; I just have to be able to stay awake long enough to finish it once of these nights.
• And there will always be animals in my workout area.  I've resigned myself to this now.
• I'm also resigned to owning more of those running shorts because they're freaking AWESOME.

Tomorrow's workout: 5 more easy miles.  This run plan has lots of easy, and I'm liking it.