Food for thought.

I only have time for a quick post this evening, so I won't waste your time with a sassy little introduction and just get right to today's weigh-in:

Down 0.4 lbs today.  That zero never looked so good.

That motivated me to come straight home after work and eat my dinner at home before I dashed off to a meeting of sorts at my new job this evening.  I badly wanted to just stay at work and then head straight over to my meeting and then con my husband to go out to dinner....but not after seeing the scale this morning.

Oddly enough, I think it's the morning weigh-ins that are keeping me on track.  Thinking back, it's the first thing I stopped doing when I started going off the rails again with my eating.

Now that's some food for thought.  (pun intended)

Nonlinguistic representations of my body image. Because words get boring after awhile.

So I was talking to my Southern momma the other night.  Talking with my mom (who is from and currently resides in Alabama) is an adventure in and of itself, since you must simultaneously listen to her end of the conversation as well as try to figure out the ends of her sentences, because she doesn't always complete them before jumping to her next thought.  Anyway, because she's so far away she doesn't get to come watch any of my races; so I sent her the pictures from my recent marathon, and she told me I looked so skinny.  Or, in her southern drawl, she said I looked "soOoooOooooOoo  skeeeeny."

Moms are so darn cute.  

But I don't see "skeeeny" at all when I look at my pics.  As a matter of fact, I home in right on my perceived negatives and linger there, as if by staring at them long enough I will shame those body parts into slimming down by sheer force of will.

But the crazy thing is that other people don't see negative where I see negative.  It's amazing to me how your body image gets so distorted after being 200+ pounds that you struggle forever after with what a normal body should look like.  I don't remember this being a problem as a kid; I thought I pretty much looked spectacular all the time and never ever worried about how I looked in anything.  And I should have been, since I grew up in the 1980's for Christ's sake, where people pranced around in skinny ties, sweater dresses, leg warmers, parachute pants, side-ponytails, huge shoulder pads, and all things neon.

People tell me I look skinny, but I never believe them (especially my husband, who married me at a size 22 and told me I always looked good.  I love him for this, but I can no longer trust his judgement.  Sorry, honey).  In fact, this is how I always feel:

Even when I was at my skinniest, I still felt I looked like that.  This is something that will need to be overcome during this round of weight loss, especially since if I now ask my husband if I look fat he just walks away after snorting at me in disgust.

Speaking of this round of weight loss, here was today's weigh-in:

There's my crazy veiny feet again.

Another 0.2 lbs!  Again, I'll take it!  I am feeling pretty pumped so far; but, then again, it is only day 4.  Having meals that I made cooked and waiting for me to heat up when I get home has been so helpful in stopping me from diving right into laziness and going out for some processed grub.  And, I have to admit, having the scale creep down slowly has also been a motivator.  Let's see what tomorrow brings when I have to be somewhere in the evening and am rushed for dinner....

Don't even pretend that you don't have eating conversations with yourself, too.

This morning I got up and did some Total Body Tri-Sets and let Cathe abuse me with her multiple painful forms of push-ups and her lower body exercises that made my glutes sore by mid-day.  But before I went downstairs for this completely voluntary exercise abuse, I weighed in.

And today's weight is.....

I have some veiny feet.

Down another 0.2 pounds!  I'll take it.  It didn't come on all at once, and it sure won't come off that way.

I spent the work day today figuring out how to stop snacking so much in-between meals (oh, and actually doing my job, too).  I realized that since I get up at 4 AM, lunchtime for my body is actually around 10...and, since I don't teach that period, I started eating my lunch then.  And when I say "started" I mean I ate half of it--my carrots and my yogurt.  I then taught for a period, and then ate my sandwich during my regularly scheduled lunch period.  Then it was all teach teach teach snack teach teach snack sit down and get some work done now go home and blog about my weight like a fool.

What struck me the most was the mental gymnastics that occurred within my brain right after school let out at 3 PM.  I finished my afternoon snack (apple and a cheese stick) with the cheese stick and then sat down to do some work.  Within a half an hour I wanted something to eat again.  The convo in my brain went a little something like this:

Body: "I'm hungry."

Brain: "No you're not.  You just ate half an hour ago."

Body: "No....I'm pretty sure I'm hungry.  There's food over there in the office.  Let's get some."

Brain: "I don't think so.  I'm not feeling hungry.  Are you sure you're hungry?"

Body: "Pretty sure, even thought your stomach isn't saying so! The food is just about 10 feet away! Let's Goooooooooooooo!"

I used to eat constantly from the time school let out until the time I went home.  I think it's a vestige of when I used to smoke-when I couldn't smoke I had a tendency to nosh a bit.  And, since they tend to frown upon smoking in school these days, eating seemed like a less risky alternative.  

Well, I quit smoking almost 3 years ago.  It's time to quit all these nasty little habits that went with it.

On a completely unrelated note, I feel like I have more energy now that I am eating real food I cook myself for dinner rather than going off in search of an easy meal that contains mystery ingredients or ingredients that are food in name only. Since it's only been two days, however, this may all be my brain's way of trying to make the best of a bad situation by lying to itself.

Hopefully the scale will keep trending downward tomorrow. 

Yes, I really did post a picture of that.

To those that know me, you know I am the queen of sharing things that no one on this green Earth really needs to know about me.  I just don't know why some of this stuff is so considered taboo (unless it's the stuff people share on My Strange Addiction or Freaky Eaters...then I get it), but, nonetheless, I feel the need to share things others consider private information.

Because of this strange compulsion for sharing that plagues me, I am feeling the need right now to share what I weigh every morning.  I have to admit it's not because I want to tell everyone, but I feel it is necessary to keep myself accountable in my whole "I will lose these 20 pounds goddammit" weight loss journey upon which I have embarked.  So, here was this morning's weight:

Note the blue polish.  I love blue.

You should also know that I am 5'8" tall (well, just shy of it), so that weight doesn't put me in the obese or overweight category according to the BMI charts that float about the internet.  It's just not where I want to be--I need to be lighter to be faster.  However, it is 0.2 lb lighter than what it read yesterday when I had my meltdown, and I'll take improvement when I can get it (even if it is probably due to water weight fluctuations).  

But I am feeling good about cooking again.  Today I dusted off (literally) the ol' crock pot, making some pinto beans to which I have added jalapenos because I am a glutton for gustatory punishment.  

I feel good not because I am cooking, but because I know I will have dinner made for the week.  This means I will have no excuse to go out to eat for dinner after work.  I have to combat my weeknight laziness with weekend cooking productivity, apparently.

I am also feeling good about a 7 mile run I did this morning with a friend (was so nice to have company for once!), where my watch says I burned almost 800 calories.  I tried out a new running skirt again, this time an Adidas one I found at a local Ross store:

I have the ugliest living room in the known universe.

This skirt had much shorter spandex tights underneath than the skirt I wore yesterday but I didn't chafe, and they didn't ride up far enough to feel like bikini underwear.  However, I could feel the rubbing of the thighs, so I'm sure chafing would be inevitable if I did 20 miles in this one.  This outfit was perfect for the weather: 60 degrees and a nice cool wind of 8 mph.  I even impressed myself by remembering to wear sunscreen.

I actually got that run done early, so now I get to spend the rest of the day working my tail off (my student teacher's last day was Friday...back to the grind).  At least I'll be busy working rather than thinking about eating.

I told you I was freaking serious.

I cooked tonight.  If the world ends tomorrow, it will be my fault.  But, since the world will have ended, none of you can come after me anyway.  Take that!

After releasing my eating manifesto this morning, I went and made some dee-licious turkey chili for myself tonight:

It has kidney beans, garbanzo beans, and black beans, along with turkey (duh).  It also has some cayenne pepper and green chiles in it, because I like my chili to hit me full on in the mouth like I was in Fight Club (food flight club?).  Seriously, I was sweating while eating this.

While making the chili I had the rest of my dinner: a banana and some corn.  I know, not what you'd typically eat with chili, but it's my eating manifesto, thankyouverymuch.  I had three small all-natural oatmeal cookies afterwards for dessert.

The rest of the day went OK.  I had to have a small second snack between lunch and dinner because I was out getting a pedicure and shopping and my stomach began to growl like crazy.  I don't actually feel too badly about this, simply because I was:

a) Freaking hungry, and

b) About to enter a grocery store which, when you are hungry, turns into a playground for buying everything that looks edible.

I was happy that I resisted the urge to snack on other things while preparing dinner.  It seems that I get more and more snack happy as the day wears on--something to take note of so I can head it off at the pass.  I think instead of a health bar for a snack in the afternoon I will switch that up with an apple and string cheese; maybe I will feel fuller a bit longer.

I am disappointed I slipped back into some bad eating habits all in the name of marathon training.  But I will be blogging about my meals (I can sense your enthusiasm) to hold myself accountable, much like I did with my runs during marathon training.  

I just have to remember that I managed my eating successfully once before, and I can do it again.

Swirly orange skirts and morning bathroom scale meltdowns.

I wasn't going to run today, but I did anyway because I got my new swirly orange running skirt in the mail.  Here's a close up for you:

This running skirt is made by SparkleSkirts, and is technically a SparkleTech skirt.  These were brought to my attention by someone who has run a Ragnar with me before (and will be running Wasatch Back with me in June!).  Now, I am not typically a fan of running skirts, simply because they usually chafe the hell out of me because the spandex shorts underneath the skirt ride up and become bikini underwear after about 2 miles.  But I was assured these wouldn't chafe, so I ordered mine early to try it out--which I did today.

This isn't posed at all. Maybe.

I took my new swirly skirt on a 4-mile test drive around the neighborhood.  Before I left, I put something in each pocket on the skirt (there is a large front zippered pocket and two large pockets on the side of each spandex short leg) to see how annoying it would feel to carry something in them on a run.

A little hard to see, but there is a large pocket on the side of each leg.

I put a gel in each side pocket and my phone in the front pocket, and away I went.  I felt the phone for about a quarter of a mile, and then didn't notice it any more.  I barely felt the gels.  The skirt was comfy and not irritating for the most part (except for sequins hanging on the edge of the skirt smacking you in the back of the leg; it felt like grit from the road hitting you at random intervals.  But this is easily remedied by yanking off the offending sequins).  I am happy to report no chafing on this run, and I am planning on doing a long run in it at least once before I take it out on a Ragnar course.  In fact, I may go get the swirly blue one....

But enough about clothing.  Let's talk about eating.

Today I got up and weighed myself and then did some math.  I have gained 20 pounds since I quit smoking almost three years ago.  I had a small, private meltdown in the bathroom, and then got my act together.

It's time to get freaking serious.  If I can run 26.2 miles without puking, stopping, crying, or going you-know-what on the course, then I can take off these 20 pounds. I've done it before, and I can do it again.

And it all starts with what I eat.  I think I have this "exercise" thing down, but, like I already know, 90% of this weight loss thing is about what you stuff in your mouth.  And it's time to stop stuffing so much processed crappy food in there and start eating like I used to eat.

So, here's the deal:

• I will continue to eat my normal breakfast of a banana, yogurt, and healthy organic cereal.  I will start measuring out the portions of my cereal again.
• I will drink half a recovery drink after my morning workout.
• I will have one snack (not 3) between my workout and lunch.
• Lunch will continue to be what I have eaten for the last three years (yes, freaky, I know): Carrots, yogurt, and PBJ.  The cookies that I have been eating with lunch will be eliminated (before me eating them, not after.  Gastrointestinal humor-ha!)
• I will have one snack (not 3) between lunch and dinner.
• Dinner will be cooked in large batches on Sunday so I can eat it throughout the week and not have to come home and cook during the week (I have an amazing tolerance for eating the same thing over and over again, as evidenced by my lunch menu for the past 3 years).  It will be eaten in addition to veggies and a piece of fruit.  Eating out will not happen anymore.

Nothing like getting on a scale to make you formulate an action plan.

Losing weight for all the wrong reasons.

I got a new job recently.  My interview, thankfully, did not go anything like this:

I am hoping that in my new position I will have time to do more running and training, mainly because I will have only one job rather than 3 bazillion jobs masquerading as one.  There is also a sweet indoor track at the school in which I now work, which will come in mighty handy come wintertime.

But the new job doesn't start until July 1st, and my next race is on June 7th--Ragnar Chicago.  I have gained some poundage during marathon training, some poundage I need to take off so I can be faster (way to lose weight for all the wrong reasons!).  I have about a month, and I know if I start eating correctly again, I can look like this:

The picture above was taken in 2010.  I look very....flat.  In lots of ways.  Below is a picture of me crossing the finish line at my marathon Sunday:

I've gotten pretty thick around the middle.  Not so 2-dimensional anymore.  Time to get serious and shed the thickness. (Whatever that means.)

It's also time to reverse taper back up to my old levels of training.  I did my first run this morning after my marathon (3 miles), and it's amazing how you think your legs are fine but really they are just cowering in silence, waiting for you to run so they can scream in agony.  Alright, so it wasn't that bad, but Lord that run wasn't good.  It just reminded me that my body will need way more than a week to recover (unlike a half marathon), so I had better take it easy with the runs I do this week and next.

Next up for tomorrow, however, is a return of one of my favorite activities--weight lifting.  Cathe, bring on the pain.